Maybe just don’t watch The Super Bowl?

The Super Bowl this year looks really good. Like really good. As Nate Silver noted on Colbert earlier in the week, this year is only the eighth time the two best teams have faced off against each other. He called it a pick ’em. In addition to statisticians, sports books and video game simulations think it’s going to be a very close (and therefore exciting) game. We even have some lovely apps in our app store to help you enjoy the game better.

That being said, I’m nothing if not difficult. I think I’m going to probably skip out this year. Maybe you should join me. Here is why:


SherlockWe didn’t all universally love last week’s Sherlock. That doesn’t mean that we’re not all going to watch this week. Since I’m harping on this two weeks in a row, I’m not sure what else to say. It’s a really good show and it’s on PBS so you can watch it for free unlike prestige cable shows. I’ll leave you with another animated gif because apparently they were invented for fans of this show.

Sherlock hates people
He’s probably not coming to your Super Bowl party

You’re Fat

Sorry, I meant that I’m fat. To paraphrase myself, everyone complaining on the internet has an agenda driven by personal bias. Mine in this article is against my waistline. As mentioned in my bio, I have a thing for chicken wings. The culinary portion of the Super Bowl is a celebration of all the foods I like but need to eat way less of. Add in some alcohol, and a Super Bowl party is basically Thanksgiving with your drunk, combative friends instead of your drunk, combative family. It’s safest to just stay away.

You’re Old

Bruno Mars Super BowlSorry, once again this is about me. Halftime shows are a crapshoot even if you like the performer. I barely know who Bruno Mars is outside of a cocaine conviction and some songs I don’t care for. He is famous enough for me to know who he is even though he isn’t my cup of tea, but I didn’t know he was headline the Super Bowl halftime show famous. The fact that he is and I don’t know how to feel about it just makes me feel old. I’ll pass.

Commercials are never a reason to watch anything
Tons of people say they watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. Setting aside what being excited to watch ads says about us as a culture, I get it. Most of the time we want to avoid ads, but Super Bowl ad time is so expensive that brands really go all out to impress. There will be lots of laughs, stunt castings, and things that pull on the heartstrings. However, you don’t actually need to watch the game to watch the ads. A bunch of them are already online and if you miss one that day I’m sure you can see it the day after.

The NFL is provably the actual worst

Anquan Boldin on a stretcher
source: USA Today

It kills its players. Its treatment of cheerleaders violates labor laws. There’s very little actual action. You don’t know what’s really happening anyways. They’re fine with racist mascots. They’re making more money than god but still nickel and diming their fans.

If the NFL were a character in a film, they’d be played by Gary Oldman in the 1990s. You don’t want to be his henchman.

The perfect date night

This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday. I believe the technical term for an occurrence such as this is a doubly whammy. Even if you manage to get a reservation at that expensive place your significant other likes, that doesn’t mean the restaurant didn’t overbook to maximize the number of covers on one of their busiest days of the year. It’s going to be a overlong, crowded, noisy, and pricy.

I have an alternate proposal: celebrate Valentine’s Day on Super Bowl Sunday instead. Your partner will find it thoughtful, especially if they don’t like football and you surprise them. As long as you don’t pick a restaurant with a bunch of TVs , you’ll have no problem getting a table with the rest of America watching the game. It will be nice and quiet and you can choose where you sit instead of being forced to sit at the tiny table near the bathroom. Also, you’ll escape the true tyranny of a Valentine’s Day dinner: the overpriced prix fixe menu.
Just get home early because…

You have to work on Monday

If there was any justice in this world, the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday would be a national holiday. We know that’s not true, so you shouldn’t stay up late. Don’t go to work hungover and bloated from eating too much. Even though I asked you not too, you stayed up to watch the Grammys last week. Maybe you should show up on Monday ready to actually do some work for once, you slob. You can watch New Girl when you get home.