Everything That Should Happen in the Gilmore Girls Netflix Episodes, But Won’t: A Manifesto

Gilmore Girls is coming back. The sardonic, loquacious WB series featuring fleshed-out female characters, jabs at The Strokes, at least one Elvis Costello song, a Kim Gordon appearance and a stream of Dorothy Parker references will grace your Netflix queue in somewhere between one to a million years, it’s said. Your Gilmore Girls Netflix queue will actually have new episodes. Celebrate.

As we all know, with every announcement of revived comedy-dramas about single moms raising bookworm daughters comes endless shouts from the void:

The age of the reboot! Wet Hot American Summer was funny! What about Arrested Development? Are they really bringing back Coach? TV should end forever. Binge culture is hell!

There is a gnashing of teeth. Earthquakes settle over the Earth, raging for all eternity. The shouts continue:

Predictions! Rory on Tinder? Grindr? Marriage? Uber! Babies. Is Luke real? Independence, Jess, gluten, mine shaft. Emoji! Emily. Venmo.

Adding to the noise, then, here are eight things that should happen in the new Gilmore Girls Netflix episodes, but definitely won’t.

  1. Logan, wasted, shows up at Rory’s door with a basket filled with kiwi and fancy pears. “Rory, I love you!” he shouts, breath smelling of Schnapps. “Oh,” Rory says. “Thanks for the pears.” Logan stares up at the stars, a tear glimmering in his left eye.

  2. The Dragonfly closes, finally. Lorelei pursues her true dream of opening a Glitter-themed boutique hotel: interiors covered in swaths of satin and framed photos of Mariah Carey. When asked her inspiration for the place, she says, “The Bangles.” Then: WINK

  3. Emily hosts a D.A.R. meeting at Lorelei’s new hotel. She spends most of the hour hurling jabs regarding the d├ęcor and adjusting her collar. “Oh, you viper,” her companions squeal, “you’re just deadly,” dabbing their lips with handkerchiefs once belonging to James Madison. Babs Guddlemop, heiress to an antique chair fortune, snickers and sips a gin fizz. An ice cube rattles for eternity. Emily plots her revenge.

  4. Paris suffers through a stint as a doctor, but retires early due to lack of bedside manner. Whatever, babies. Now a hotshot lawyer, she and Doyle live in separate cities, but host extravagant parties. They invite Rory to a booze-filled weekend at their country home, to much chagrin. Many Jane Austen references are made. They set her up with a banker friend. It’s weird.
    Gilmore Girls Paris

  5. Lane realizes she hallucinated her entire marriage to Zach, as well her pregnancy. No matter how many logical jumps necessary, this is true. She joins a Velvet Underground cover band and befriends a bunch of groupies. She learns she is a better drummer than she originally thought. She smashes a set of Beats headphones.

  6. Sookie comes out. “It’s cool,” Jackson says, “I support you no matter what.” He opens a gourmet vegetable stand in Boulder and takes up backpacking. Summers, they rent a cabin by a lake and the kids go camping. Creedence filters through an ancient stereo. A lone leaf floats on the lake. Someone mentions Ingrid Bergman and an angel gets its wings.

  7. Jess is mauled by a bear.
    Gilmore Jess

  8. Lindsay buys a new Lamborghini with the money she got selling Mary Kay stock. She drives into the sunset, hair blowing like one hundred strands of gold. Somewhere, Dean sits on a bench, thinking of softball.