Gilmore Girls is coming back. The sardonic, loquacious WB series featuring fleshed-out female characters, jabs at The Strokes, at least one Elvis Costello song, a Kim Gordon appearance and a stream of Dorothy Parker references will grace your Netflix queue in somewhere between one to a million years, it’s said. Your Gilmore Girls Netflix queue will actually have new episodes. Celebrate.
As we all know, with every announcement of revived comedy-dramas about single moms raising bookworm daughters comes endless shouts from the void:
The age of the reboot! Wet Hot American Summer was funny! What about Arrested Development? Are they really bringing back Coach? TV should end forever. Binge culture is hell!
There is a gnashing of teeth. Earthquakes settle over the Earth, raging for all eternity. The shouts continue:
Predictions! Rory on Tinder? Grindr? Marriage? Uber! Babies. Is Luke real? Independence, Jess, gluten, mine shaft. Emoji! Emily. Venmo.
Adding to the noise, then, here are eight things that should happen in the new Gilmore Girls Netflix episodes, but definitely won’t.