Slow Your Roll, Nerds: Ten Reasons a New Jurassic Park Might Not Be So Good

Hold on to your butts: Jurassic Park 4 (known as Jurassic World) has entered production and is currently slotted for a Summer 2015 release. This announcement should have left me in a drooly nerd-coma, but honestly, it’s left me fraught with worry. I’m talking Timmy-on-the-electric-fence worried. Here are ten sources of my worry, and why I’m not assuming this Jurassic World movie is going to be the second-slash-fourth coming we’re all hoping for.

1. Dinosaurs

This is not a typo. I genuinely am worried no one cares about dinosaurs anymore. The Jurassic Park franchise is about the only one that can get away with using these beasts of old; we haven’t seen dinosaurs on the silver screen much over the last decade (save for Terrence Malick’s great but tiny bit about them in Tree of Life, some comedy business in Land of the Lost, and their regrettable appearance in the atrocious film version of A Sound Of Thunder), so it’s safe to say they’ve been forgotten about — like Jurassic Park III. You guys don’t remember that, right? Am I the only one who watched it?

2. It’s a Theme Park

Rumors and early indications from the production hint that the story takes place in a theme park. With dinosaurs. Questionable originality and also questionably intelligent characters toying with the dinosaur theme park idea again.

Deja Vu?
Deja Vu, anyone?

3. None of the Original Cast

Call me a softy, but about the only thing that saved The Lost World and Jurassic Park III from bursting into sheer hellfire was their inclusion of some of the original cast. I know, I know, you guys want new blood, and I can respect that, but considering the series is still somewhat popular, you’d hope we could get at least one of them into it (Sam Neil is literally not doing anything right now. I think I played a game of Call of Duty against him the other day). There is a rumor B.D. Wong is in it (he played an InGen scientist in the first one), but it’s not like people are clamoring to see his character back again.

4. The Director

Now, I’m going to be a little lenient on this one, but I’m not impressed with their choice of director. Colin Trevorrow, who directed (what I consider to be) the abysmal Safety Not Guaranteed landed the gig — surely after impressing the producers with his collection of tiny, plastic dinosaur figures. He has only really directed one movie, so, I’ll reserve complete judgment until I finish this senten– nope, it’s still there.

5. No Samuel L. Jackson

He went down like a bitch in Jurassic Park, yes, but TECHNICALLY, we never saw his body, just his arm, so he could still be alive. This is the pipeiest of pipe dreams here, but if we got a cyborg-enhanced Samuel L Jackson in the movie, I’m pretty sure I could die a relatively happy man.

6. It’s Been Too Long

The last sequel came out thirteen years ago and for many people, the sweet memories of the first film seem like a lifetime ago. All we can remember now from the last installment is Alan Grant dreaming of a raptor talking to him in Jurassic Park III. (It really happened. Look it up.)

7. Chris Pratt

Please, refrain from mailing me anthrax; I genuinely like Chris Pratt. Thing is, the guy is type-cast, and I’m afraid I already know what his character is going to be like — a klutzy, comical but earnestly enthusiastic dude — so I’m worried we’ll be given a helping share of the same thing we’re used to seeing (and may be seeing as soon as two months from now in Guardians of the Galaxy).

8. John Williams May Not Do The Score

Back off, Steve

Williams did the first two films, but (I imagine) read the script to the third movie and said, what the fuck is this shit? and ran away faster than a raptor trying to catch Laura Dern. It’d be cool to have him do the score, but the likelihood if it happening, given his age and the greater likelihood of him scoring the new Star Wars movie, isn’t good.

9. I Will Probably Be Too Busy Watching Avengers: Age Of Ultron

Yeah, it comes out a full month and a half before Jurassic World, but let’s be honest to ourselves here: we’re all going to see Avengers 2 like a hundred times, right? I ain’t got time for Jurassic World.

10. They Didn’t Say the Magic Word

All this aside, I will probably be there opening weekend to see this movie. I just hope I don’t walk out of the theater acting like Ian Malcolm screaming about how much I hate being right all the time.